試験の後。。希望?絶望？

Well, Exams are finally over, had been restricting myself from blogging. Due to that, many of my memories have faded, as well as those feelings. It is scary to say, without something to cling into, what seems precious to you at that moment will go lost, meaninglessly. It is predicted anyway, humans are creature, which is unreliable and unworthy, including me. I enjoyed my weeks before the exams, without the need to see low-life creatures. Weeks during exams was, busy, hectic, stuffing all informations to that resisting brain of mine. It is sad to say, i resisted stuff hat i dislike so much that i rather die than doing it sometimes, example, my future.

Thinking of what will i do in the future gives me the chill. Talks and seminars by top BIG FOUR accounting firms make me hate to step into my going-to-be future. Consistent talking by various people, anticipating my future is even scarier. Judging me on what will happen to me for the rest of my life is drowning me now. Well, i didn't resist that much before hand, it wasn't that critical. I always thought that since i can't have my way to my dreams so easily, i would settle down to anything, that i have been offered to. So during my first week of degree i was frustrated, because most subject lecturers were saying, if you do not have the passion of doing it, you will not make it. (It strikes me the most okay, you know why)

It's the end of my first year now. What i felt is ONLY the feeling of disgust, and more fear to the future. Resist. Disgust of people who will call themselves as professionals, disgust of people in the world that will never succeed if going through the normal way. Fear of my future, fear that in no time i would be the same with the people i once hated, fear that my whole life i would be stuck forever where not even the tip of my fingers can reach my dreams anymore. For all this i resist. I tried not to listen anything related to my going-to-be future, tried not to get involved in anything, for ONE SINGLE reason: since i'm dying soon, might as well, use the rest of the time i have now, not to get involve with it. (Trust me, it's hard; like when you are in a maze, you can never get out)

 

 

Now first year is over, and i'm having a four months plus holiday. I will call it - the Break to Dream months. Main purpose for these months is not to have a pleasant holiday to enjoy, but a real FIGHT. I'm still thinking of every plan i could, and will still continue to think. Anyone with a perfect workable plan pls inform me. I can't hold any longer. I do believe there's no dream will work without hard work, and of course, luck. So i'm trying me best now, wish me luck.

Anyway, was with akiko yesterday for instrument shopping. Had a pleasant day with her, playing taiko and gachapons, walking around looking stuff. Can't wait to go out more often! Had to breath some nice and fresh air, hahaha...